Let me start by saying that life has been so unbelievably beautiful for me the last five months. I've seen places I never thought I would, met amazing inspiring people and collected humbling and equally crazy stories that I look forward to sharing with my grandchildren one day. I never imagined in my wildest dreams that I would have been given this opportunity and I cannot express how unbelievably thankful I am – redundancy money and absolutely no commitments, there couldn't have been a better time to get out there and chase the dream. Life really does have a funny way of working out and I trust that the universe offers you up things at the right time. I believe that when everything falls into place effortlessly and things seem to come to you that you're attracting things at a higher state which means you're absolutely aligned with your true intention. With all of this said, and without meaning to burst the bubble, with make belief comes reality. And when reality strikes in the form of your bank balance and you see the present dream slipping away, things begin to get scary!
What the dream looks like...
I'm about to head back to Bali to teach at a yoga centre for a month, doing what I love and spending time with good friends before heading back to sydney *pinch me*
What reality looks like...
Day two in Sydney I had my first interview with a recruiter. The plan was to *gulp* go back into an office and temp PA so that I could top my bank balance up quickly without getting too tied in. By the end of my first week I'd opened a bank account, sorted my tax code, registered as self employed and sorted my medicare card out. By the end of my second week I was registered with three recruiters. It all seemed pretty promising but perhaps in hindsight I was a little too optimistic at how easy it would be for me to get work in Sydney. So, I've spent the past month trying my hardest not to spend a penny or 'cent' I should say as I haven't had any luck work wise, doh! This has meant that I haven't really been able to enjoy Sydney to its fullest, spending days in doors and turning down socials and feeling pretty lonely, rubbish! I was also naughty thinking I would earn some money and treated myself to a hair cut, acupuncture and some budget leggings. Yup not my smartest move - materialism got to me! In all, I haven't spent too much but those cheeky ongoing bills that are all too easy to forget about always bite me in the bum at the worst of times; mobile phone bills, tax bills and all the rest. A recent check in with my bank account and my jaw nearly hitting the floor, cue my over thinking and worrying brain to take it's cameo = hello anxiety!
So with very little money I'm heading back to bali to live the dream for a little longer and do something I love daily. Who in their right mind would say no to that opportunity! Those who know me well know that I over think the hell out of everything. I am a massive mix of head and heart, cynic and sentiment - my sensible head so nearly talked me out of getting on the plane next week! I have to continually remind myself that I just spent the last two years of my life putting aside my passion for stability. I'm seeing this as a time for exploration, pursuing my yoga dream and basically saying yes to everything without limitations. But to constantly drive this notion, to block out your 9-5 grounded friends opinions and listen to your heart can be pretty tough, especially for my chaotic brain. But what is there really to worry about? After all, if it really is game over I get on a plane home and pick up my London life with my beautiful family and friends, perfect!
So this post isn't to burst the bubble or to moan and sound unappreciative but more so to say that beneath the Instagram filters and the amazing times, there's just me dealing with my shit, working on me and trying to get by, day by day. A subtle reality exists and I want to be honest about it because anxiety has hit me at different times throughout my travels, financially, when I've felt lonely, scared or homesick. I am the happiest I have ever been chasing my dream, but recognise that I am not the best at dealing with my emotions and trusting when things get scary. For this reason I'm pushing myself to venture into the unknown, continually trust that the universe has my back and not take the sensible route like my brain so often tells me to do when fear arises.
And lastly let's not forget the positives because this month hasn't all been in vain. There's lots but to name a few; four classes taught in Sydney, new friends, beach time, living with my amazing friends and endless puppy hugs :)